episode FOUR -- a note from Heart's Center of Gravity

For twas not into my ear you had whispered, but into my heart... twas not my lips you have kissed, but my soul . . . 

as it is I said its just not the day before or the day later or 'today' that means loving with some 'more' zeal than the rest of the days...but it's been an addiction to me every single day to love you more and more and more . . .

Its just that someone called Saint Valentine was there that I am merely taking this opportunuity to present my thoughts and a part of the reality, in a much 'organised' manner...

Dear Madhumita, I have not written any love letter to you ever since we have met till now, still can you say how you understand all the words that my letters could have contained ? 

I had all the plastic pleasures before you were a part of my life... all the swaggers that had bounteous superficial attitudes and a sparkle which gleamed with a coated substance called 'vengeance'. 

...many may wonder what this vengeance came into being in the happy occasion of the flute-music love and heart-melting peace and sacrimony... but I'll tell them - as, for every black cloud there is a silver lining, behind every golden cloud, there is also a dark lining. And this dark lining I tell you have been the curse I had been living with. My life has not much seen happiness since birth.. but the little aspects of life drawn in from different corners have lumped up in that single node of happiness where you form the epicenter :) . . . . . . 

its Sagittarius (me) and Gemini (her) fused to ONE.

Just when I was about to default from life's perpetuity, you came in hugging all my satires and blowing all my debacles far away from my life. You have been my constant companion, sharing sadness, happiness, contempt and feelings of failures and victories. You became the only shadow which fended the only flame of hope from all sides and balked all ways of foul air poised to harm me. You took the diya on your hand and placed it inside my heart and you became the hope instead... and guess who's the protector now ! ;) . . . . . . 

As I've always said, luck has always faltered and proved wrong since my birth...but now someone has taught me not to believe in luck ... because that someone has brought everything which does away with shaping my destiny and look ahead for more surprises and positive experiences that life gifts us with. It has been a long twentyfour years, but still she has not lost a single charm and cuteness that a baby possesses and chortles at every joke I crack or her... and her light heart and a strong mind have won all the secrets of my heart; has opened wide all the floodgates of my heart towards keeping her this way, for the rest of her life. Off-late I have been more cranky and a little impatient too, but these were to be bricks in the wall until she embraced all my sundry put-offs and held my hand to my journey ahead. We are on the onset of this endless journey of our lives we have decided to spend hand in glove. The time we are spending are merry and exclusive... though we are staying thousands of miles away by land but still not an inch away by hearts. The happier and happiest times are still to come and pass by and cradle us in the seat of nuptials . . . :)

We consider marriage as a mere medium of putting ourselves in the industrial occasion of binding ourselves 'legally' by a certain 'ritual' which is a part of tradition and calls in for huge celebrations and marks certain ambit of social acceptance. There is nothing 'holy' or 'reverant' that is just a parochial tenet preaching it to be a reverant union of souls which I consider nothing but some kinda palaver... not because we belong to the twentieth century and the generation x, but we are much ahead of such obtuse and pristine ideals of matrimony and believe the very union of souls takes place when a man and a woman can first  'speak and communicate through eyes, brains and hearts successfully', and becomes responsible for each other's happiness as well as sadness.this time it's an arrow of fevi-stik ;) ..that glues our souls together :) 

...and so by the way, we believe our 'union of souls' has already taken place and what is left is this ritual and proceeding of binding our lives 'legally' and 'socially'.

As most single people and those who have been defaulted and descended from a failed love would assert they are 'single andhappy', I can boldly confront them saying "you can not imagine in your thousand dreams what you are missing" . . . and of course about being happy... I am, in leaps and bounds; waiting for 'the day' to arrive and occupy my mind with a permanent contentment.As for most of you, I may have been saying and writing facts about love and the very sense of belonging anf togetherness, but you have never seen writing them spontaneously and within the span of an hour, without corrections and amendments . . . YES ,, I just composed this whole thing within the last half an hour and going to avail this occasion of my opportunity to express my earnest gratitude to my love, my girlfriend and my spouse, the heartiest Valentine's Day with incessant true pure love, endless happiness and an accomplished ticket to the most blissful abode of heaven . . .

I am here to tell you sweetheart, you have snatched all the secrets of glory and ushered upon me a chance to see heaven through your eyes.

One bigggg Teddy for you :*

I promise you I'll never ever let you go away from me anywhere whatever come may and its mypromise I'll live up to everything what we have planned together . . . :*

World's tightest hug for you . . . . { :) }

World's longest, deepest and most passionate kiss for you . . . :*

. . . and as it is . . . my heart is with you, as it belongs to you . . .so as you breathe, you must know the oxygen from your lung combines with the blood in my heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . .

Don't let the sandclock of this innocent love reverse its edge . . . it's too pure and delicate . . . :)

Love you Madhumita , for Life .

:* 

episode ONE -- epoch of darkness and volatile transformation : my salad days .......//

'There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and doesnot rest until it has found one. Then singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain ... Or so says the legend.'

Russell has thrived through the worst of times ... his childhood has been one of the darkest phases of his life ... unlike anyone most probably on the face of the earth, he used to stay in his 'home-bitter-home'! He was not open to all the avenues of life during these early days, all of his creative thoughts and activities were made to be redirected to the bleak islands of despair and solitude and none of his works whatsoever were encouraged by any of his well-wishers. He was left isolated in the dark-rooms, where the footages of his sleepy billets mimicked his sorry fate. He didn't have the space to develop a power of speech - being kept at arm's length, nor did he have any form of exposure to the world a step ahead, outside the domestic life. The world was very small for him. Any cast of pessimism was absent and he did not ever get two cents' worth while his gray cells and maturity were in the major stages of transformation. He was an one-man team when he helped himself sculpt out his positive attributes and cast off the negative ones, all d more during the budding nodes of moral and spiritual development in him.

a ode to hopelessness, misfortune and forlornness ...

His performances were judged in and out, and were criticized for every negative outcomes... he did never have any sort of incentives for putting in greater efforts, nor did he have any trivial reward for achieving something which were expected by very less. He saw the little world around him with awe, desperation, surprise and desolation. He had some brighter dreams, but no resource to reach them out. There were people to take obvious pity on him, but none to be by side, when he had the darkest of nightmares. He slowly realized there may be something that can pull him straight out from the hell of agonies and dissatisfaction and make him happy. He forgot everything, overlooked all the blatant turbulence to sail all through them and reach a fair, inspiring and confident shore of secrets. This secret land of love, compassion and knowledge gave him a hard-headed positive approach to life. He began to see everything from a different amplitude, prepared him own processes and turned his hand to difficult situations with composure and competent expertise. He began to learn new strategies for life and experienced quite a lot of hardship in implementing them.

He had been through both the saliently different worlds of failure, sorrow and exasperation and another of gradual growth, development and maturity. The reminiscence of childhood days haunts his present carreer at some points, still he manages to subside them for a better hope for flourishing the li'l talents he has, moving on with new memories, friends and events that surround him; going to the extra mile keeping himself busy and debonair at his current job. He is a happy-go-lucky introvert and he loves to take life as it comes. Over the years he has developed the worthy habit of keping it still and silent, however optimistic it may seem for him, he can fire it well through written script; but when it comes to speaking out words, he bites his own tongue and ends up in no man's land. He has overcome much of it now, nearing perfectness for the traits at his better half. He is now soft, silent, confident, geeky, mentally extremely strong, composed, caring and kind ...... {Russell=me}

pART II -- {yet to be discovered}

episode TWO -- touched by the charm of unsaid conjecture : my heart will never stop, it'll go on ......//

“I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears;

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave

Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone-

These wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real

there’s just too much that time cannot erase....”

But there’s none to wipe away his tears, they have been unheeded, dried over the years. Some tears are still warm, rolling down the cliff of uncertainty; buffering the sacrifice, the commitment that Adam had to take upon to be true to his love.

The sweetest feeling, the strongest emotion that a person can have turned Adam’s life off; all his aspirations, efforts and optimism surrounding her. His hopes are fabricated at her unfurled decision, hovering over Adam’s luck. Adam has very few events in his life which would be considered as lucky because he doesn’t believe in luck. He believes luck is constructed, not taken as granted. Still his luck strays to the horizon and smirks, as he pounds his heart against the thorny road to his destiny, praying silently for a positive outcome.

"Everything i do, i do it for u" ... B.A.

Adam hasn’t ever felt for another girl in his life, his faith and loyalty prick his conscience every time he thinks of it - he doesn’t believe in that ctrl+z is always yielding and forgiving. Adam loves her unconditionally, and he has proved it a million times to her. No wonder he is obliged to every other girl he has come across for being his sister; a closed book of secrets, Adam is extremely benevolent and caring to all his friends and well-wishers. Adam has left no stone unturned, scrutinised every prospect in life which should be taken care of, whilst his love has been taking a fatal conformation.

She is very practical and caring too. Her charms have fascinated Adam, right from the school days; their immature dreams and infatuations have already mellowed to their established forms. She believes in luck though, it has brought about marvels and plenteous sweet surprises in her life. She is blessed with a happy career and copious circles of friends. She can endear anyone by her compassionate and affable nature. Her nature also imitates Adam’s outlook in a lot of aspects. She claims to celebrate her birthday on different dates every year! But for Adam she has birthdays multiple times every year; once her heart blossoms and then her mind, body and soul take birth in sequence. Her spoken words appeal to him; he holds and feels her essence in every piece of her written scripts. Nothing in the world can beat the toughness of his mental strength and composure; except anything that disturbs her, makes her feel uncozy. All these days, no matter what occurs around him, he’d never shed a drop of tear off his eyes. But she makes him whimper upon the hangover, right like a baby. She is his weakness, she is his dream and she is the fantasy in it.

"My Immortal" ... Evan.

She plays with his heart whenever, however she can because it’s her property now, given away to her by Adam amid the mist of a secret obsession, the crave for her possession, a means of his existence. Her sweetness and innocence amaze him. She is his hope, his inspiration, his better half and he can perform things thinking of her which he couldn’t have done otherwise.

Adam can’t bear tears in her eyes. Her pain, in any form, brings about his heart to bleed. He wants to call her up and hang on for hours on the telephone, but the materialisation around them arrests him, reminds him of a promise he had made to himself in his sub-conscious mind - he will propose her when the whole world will value their love, not solely in the eyes of empathizers, but in the sense of common men; the society around them will concede them as concurrent beings concerted by their faith, belief and eternal glory of love!

Now Adam has waited six years envisaging her arms in his, stood the invaluable test of these times. A single ‘yes’ will bring upon scores of happiness in his life, a queer feeling of complacence will fill his soul, arising from an ecstatic alacrity of delight and success. Nonetheless, he is still hoping, much against hope, fingers crossed, for his eager enthusiasm won’t die out over the twilight of his life. He is patient, composed and his humane is helping him maintain his optimism. Even if it’s one-sided, six longs years haven’t made his passion of love peter out for his sweetheart; it is in its best pristine form ever since he had feelings for her. Adam dreams they live happily ever after in the tryst of heaven and other foreseers feel j of their coherence.

"My Heart Will Go On" ... C.D.

I hope the next birth Adam doesn’t have such a heart of fur or wool or sponge, rather he’d have a heart of stone so that he cannot love anyone so blindfolded and selflessly... So that no one can victimise and con him of counterfeit feelings and emotions. If Adam can’t get her love, he will live with her memories and die with her memories. Adam’s flames of adulation and passionate love will always wait for her pair of hands to embrace it and ablaze it in her heart for the rest of his life .......... :’( ............ {Adam=me}

pART III-- {yet to be discovered}

episode THREE -- a wrong life born wrong : ceased from continuity,all hopes deceased & colors of life transfigured grayscale ........//

Like memories in cold decay,

Transmissions echoing away

Far from the world of you and I--

Where oceans bleed into the sky.....

Lift me up

Let me go ..........

"Adios -- todo el mundo", George grumbled, his anguished shivering voice could not have disposed a worse inflection on his mental behavior, entailed from the agony he succumbed to, after days and months of despair and oppressive misfortune.

All his comforts dismantled, satisfactions crucified; thousand obligations burnt to ground with only one candle burning at the core of his scarlet imbrued heart -- the pain of it all, taking him adrift unto the shore of untrodden darkness ... symphonies of lullabies ring in George's ears as he lies down sleepless nights, waiting for the coldness and darkness of his climactic sleep blow out the flames of his subservient,abstract existence ...

'Alone Again' .... GilbertO' Sullivan

Nonetheless, George's life has shared the world of a tendril, some of the invaluable gems in his life have been inimitably supportive in kneading and carving to whatever he is now, George is grateful to all of them all throughout his life.

George's love is stale, rotten and valueless, yet intrepid and very precious ...

George reworded "Sólo te mereces mi amor" time and again; nevertheless, his preordained state of destiny has not given him enough valor and strength to endure the despicable truth, and somewhere he is dragged to choose the sin which most people ever dare to think ... George is now worthy of watching the 'Gloomy Sunday', his mind has now been made up to the perfection, that none can explore his point of vulnerability worse than his own love ... George is a jinx, his luck is satanic, gray phobic clouds hover over lives of people who try to consolidate his jeopardized hopes to live,breath for some more days.

"... maybe there's a god above

but all i've ever learned from love

was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

it's not a cry that you hear at night

it's not somebody who's seen the light

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah ..."'

George is calmly advancing towards the last straw. The Medial insula has already dried up, entering into one of the dark phases of the clouds in the horizon ...

'Hands Held High' .... LP, 'What Kinda Love' .... Avantasia

a storm brewing mutiny arose in the eyes of George when he saw the reply for the first time; the 9th of March ... the hopes of distress started to build and despair of failures started to magnify. George transformed from a fervent optimist to an ultimate pessimist.

"Soy la persona más deprimidas en el mundo ahora", he has avowed these last few words in his note. George's unrequited love has been giving him the pain that most people donot get in their lifetime.

Some sweetest moments with a few old pals somewhere helped himself reconcile with the upcoming mode of affliction and an eventual termination.Those sweetest recollections will give him the strength of calling in the shots, for creating the tenth circle of hell, where cupids may dance with Hades and others alike. This little sinuous phase of life, George could gain this exigent power of taking the inevitable decision; his stream of sorrows will give up on the journey to eternal tranquility.

'Candle in Wind'-- Elton John,'Wake'-- LP

George has confronted with much atrocity so far, he has baneful dejection each day he had pondered for the rare positive thrust ... some creepy migratory moods sway away and forth his head; he felt it tough to winnow from the legions of swings.

They both had all gossips, no distinctions came in between, George spoke as if all the words had a warm caress of love, that kissed her ears and rebounced with a void silence; prolonged hours of ordeals followed any fine state of affairs that banished her charms momentarily ...

When my time comes,

Forget the wrong that I've done;

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed -

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty,

Keep me in your memory;

Leave out all the rest ...

George wants to meet her someday, tell her all that he thinks she knows from her heart of hearts, but still her skepticisms need to be effaced forever before he lies down to His arms. George's state of being is no longer heeded to by the society, his very entity has been rendered evanescent by his community of peers. He has already come to be a subject to pity for hundreds in his vicinity, and he suffocates when he preoccupies others' minds with trifling attention. Yet he waited for his subtle chance, knock his fate as a cordial greeting ... but deep down, at the kernel of his stolid schoolmate, there lies no heart even to have a basic level of faith and credence in him; she doubts, has a hunch on everything George says him, whatever it may involve ...

'Nothing's gonna change my love for u'-- Glenn Mereidos

he has been turned back numerous times, but he has never lost faith in her, and never will ... His approach to life has been overturned so dismally that he fears that any of his mates in close concern may also be influenced to a wrong stretch. He has started to conceal himself from all forms of social pleasures. He has frequent nightmares which traumatize him physically, often late hours after office.

George has made up his mind, once and for all. He is considering himself nothing more than a collection of cell masses abated and dessicated … his feelings and emotions have been in its prime and have withered off over times. He is the unluckiest and the most depressed person in the world now, a bird of an ill omen. One of his nightmares had him captivated; his sweetheart had deliberately hurt him so many times- George no longer has the right to reside in cloud nine for a trice - the brief confabulation that he had in his mind for her while he felt for her, has been erased for all and ever. He cannot feel for another girl in his life again, his love has been devastated and got the better of wrong hands. George wants to refrain from the sober reality and sign off from his cursed life as early as he can ...

"Te amaré en el infierno", hollered George; putting on a stern wailing gesture, he went out of his home, with a heavy mind, a bleeding nose and a punished heart ... ...

Goodbye, my friend, goodbye

My love, you are in my heart.

It was preordained we should part

Goodbye: no handshake to endure.

Let's have no sadness -- furrowed brow.

There's nothing new in dying now

Though living is no newer.

The next day ... the world seemed to be a more peaceful and meaningful abode for everyone around to breathe in. His farewell memories didn't last for long for all. Some of his pals had a mournful week that followed. But, they too could not mark his absence a perceptible element to regard for ... All about him remained imprinted on the pages of their lives ... ... ...{George=me}

"Adios -- todo el mundo" ............................................................................................................

'Iridescent' -- LP, 'Chariots of Fire Theme' -- Vangelis, 'Gloomy Sunday' - King Billius

pART IV-- {Cannot Exist}